she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
