I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
my being single is dangerous.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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