I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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