Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If I die, sorry about rent.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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