i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
