I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
