upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
