Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
