Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
