I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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