Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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