The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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