just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
