pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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