I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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