I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
