This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
