One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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