Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
