god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I am naked and annoyed.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
