Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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