when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
