Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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