the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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