You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
