I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
