Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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