How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
