I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
