He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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