and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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