I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
