I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
