So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
