Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
