i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
