EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
