im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We're using joints as your birthday candles
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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