I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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