Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
