My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
