Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
