My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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