They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
