The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
