FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
