I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
