I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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