I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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