You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
