when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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