He disabled his match.com account in front of me
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
