this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
